Thy Wife Is Cool!

Once upon a time, long ago (maybe last Tuesday), in a far off land (possibly Wheat Ridge), The King sat musing on the Royal Porch about what he could get The Queen for Christmas.

“She really digs the usual stuff I get her,” The King mentioned to The Knave, who was delivering to the royal milk box and seemed surprised at being addressed by The King.  “But this year, hey, I wanna get her something special.  Something she’ll really love for years and years to come.”

The Knave wasn’t sure how to respond to this, but started with “That’ll be $16.50 for eggs, milk, bacon, and the royal egg nog.  You can pay online.”

However, as he was turning to go, The Knave plucked up the temerity to add this: “I have noticed, Your Highness, that thy wife The Queen is very, um, cool.”

The King responded to this the way any king would, of course.  He pulled the cord on the royal chain saw and prepared to be off with The Knave’s head for even noticing The Queen, let alone remarking on her royal coolness.

“Let me elaborate, oh Royal One,” The Knave continued from his place on the chopping block.  “When I say The Queen is cool, I mean not only that she has awesome taste in both music and apparel, but also  that I’ve noticed that she tends to don a bit more gay apparel than she’d like due to the chilly weather.”

The royal chain saw sputtered to a stop.

“Say more,” The King demanded, “And quickly.  I’m on a time crunch, and I need to be off with your head, or issue a royal pardon, before this one Hallmark Christmas movie that I really want to see starts.”

So The Knave quickly went on to say that he surmised The Queen would be particularly enamored of a new retractable awning on the Royal Porch, complete with embedded LCD lights and weather-sensing technology which would protect the royal awning from high winds.

“Also, if I may be so bold, thy utility bills would be reduced by the awning, which would keep the Royal Porch about twenty degrees cooler in the blazing summer months, and about twenty degrees warmer during the rude wind’s wild lament upon winter time.”

“Also, thy royal property values would be increased by the awning, in case thou ever wishest to sell this freakin’ castle.”

The King was pleased by these proclamations.  In fact, not only did he whip out the Royal Cell Phone and pay the $16.50, he added a king-sized holiday tip of 30%, bringing the total to a royal $21.45.

“And where might I find these magical retractable awnings of which you speak so highly?” The King inquired.

“Why, the Best Awning Company is always thy best bet, Your Majesty.  Get thy cool queen a new awning now, and thou shalt find thou hast the very best flexibility in terms of installation, price, and selection!”

There was much rejoicing throughout the land, which could be heard far and wide, and which caused the neighbors to call the cops about the noise.  The King and Queen piped down, but The King placed a call to Best Awning Company to have a professional installation scheduled forthwith.

Many royal snuggles ensued.

If THY wife is cool, thou cans’t get her no better gift than a new awning from the Best Awning Company.  Happy Holidays!  And to All, a Good Night.